


14 Steps Between Fact and Fiction (Ryeowook p.o.v.)

by MoonlightVampiress



Series: 14 steps [2]
Category: Super Junior
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-06 08:06:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 7,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16384376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightVampiress/pseuds/MoonlightVampiress
Summary: Fourteen Steps.  Fourteen memories that I treasure more than I should.  These are steps of acceptance.  These are steps of turmoil.  These are steps of reason.   These are steps of madness.  As he accepts and understand the facts,  I can't help but to focus on the fiction.





	1. Shock

**Author's Note:**

> The chapters (aka Steps) will go back and forth with the previous story in this series. For example, Kyuhyun's first step (Acceptance) is his point of view of it and Ryeowook's first step (Shock) is his point of view of the same situation. I may make a third installment of this with different, personal challenge parameters, but so far I haven't thought too much on it.

I thought I had understood why Kyuhyun was so nervous at first. He wasn't having the easiest time adjusting to being thrown into a group like this one, but I understood that. It wasn't too long ago that I was in the same position and needed someone to talk to. When he first expressed his problems to me, I told him just to hold on. It would be alright in a few months and that kicked off our entire friendship. It was nice having someone to talk with. If I was honest, it felt nice to have a friend that I thought I could truly count on. This feeling was something that I didn't want to lose.

When his accident happened, I felt so distraught and angry. We had fought before and I feared I'd never get the chance to say that I was sorry to him. Many nights were spent crying and asking why fate seemed to want to take away the person I viewed as my only true friend. What had I done to deserve something so cruel?

A storm was raging the night that he came into my room. I could tell he was tipsy and prepared myself to hear another long rant about the treatment of the others. It had changed since his accident and while Kyuhyun enjoyed being spoiled, there were times it was too much.

I hadn't been prepared to hear his confession and to my credit, I didn't react outwardly. I just stared at him, but internally I was shocked. Kyuhyun, my best friend Kyuhyun, was gay? This was uncomfortable to think about initially, however, when I looked at him, I could see how nervous and worried he was.

Ok.

It was all I said because I wasn't sure if I could trust my words right now. There was no way that I'd stop being friends with him for something he can't control. When I looked at his face, he was panicking and I knew it was because of my answer. Why was I even acting this way? Yes, I was straight but he was still the same person even if he liked guys.

Before I knew it, I had reached up and touched his face. No, he would never need to worry with me. It was bad enough something like this could destroy his entire life. He deserved more from life than to have to hide himself from everyone to protect their delicate sensibilities. I would be there for him and help him through this. I'd be the person he could always count on in a world that shunned him.

With those steps, I told him that I would always be his friend. He could ask me advice and always talk to me about it, crushes and all. A smile appeared on my lips when he hugged me crying. I said nothing and just held him close to me. Yes, Kyuhyun, I'll always be there was the silent promise I made myself.


	2. Little Discussions

The talks didn't start right away and for that I was honestly thankful. I wasn't sure how I'd react to hearing about his first crush on someone. What if it was me? What could I tell him that wouldn't crush his fragile spirit? I sat up the moment I heard my door open that day. Kyuhyun looked nervous and worried, but I informed him that it would be fine. All he had to do was relax and inform me of what ran through his mind.

I began to steel myself for the potential overshare of information that would pour in waves from his mouth. A mantra was repeating itself over and over in my mind when finally he told me whom exactly his first crush happened to be on. Relieved, I just started chuckling about how Heechul made everyone end up with a crush on him, even me once. It as almost as though ice was broken because suddenly we were able to talk freely like we had before his confession.

My heart was lightened by this turn of events and I realized I could help even further. I explained how he could share his sexuality freely without worrying about the negative backlash of more narrow minded people. It began with 'accidentally' spoken comments which served a more comedic purpose. This was not a laughing matter, but it would be a crying tragedy should anyone take it seriously.

For Kyuhyun's sake, I assessed his crushes and figured out ways for him to get closer without revealing his deepest kept secret. We were best friends and I used our friendship to his advantage. It was easy to say that he made me mad and that is why I pushed him right into Leeteuk or Heechul. I could feign ignorance when he accidentally asked Zhou Mi how to say something in Chinese in a wrong or dirty way. I would invite Donghae around or nudge Kyuhyun into him in the practice room. My suggestions to go on various shows with Eunhyuk helped him and of course drinking wine with Sungmin was a good idea.

There were times I feared that I was throwing him into the lions den with no protections. If any of them realize why he wanted to be close to them, then who knows what they would do, but I felt as though Kyuhyun would end up broken. The times that he was seemingly heartbroken, I comforted him. My advice was not always needed. Sungmin was dating someone and Kyuhyun was crushed by the lack of time they were hanging out. It happened on and off with each of his crushes until finally they faded away. I told him that crushes were fleeting, and one day he would fall in love and hopefully that person would be perfect for him.

Not everyone deserves a happy ending. They don't deserve anything close.

Kyuhyun deserves a happy ending, but in this world, even happiness can be nothing more than a lie.


	3. Rumors

The more comfortable he became, the more I felt as though I was traveling along a slippery path. My inclinations hadn't changed, but I wondered if I was doing too much. Each time thoughts like these arose, I tried to squash them down. He was finally able to express himself, and yet here I am worried about my own mind, my own mental dilemma. My determination from before would waver and renew almost as strong, but I knew something was coming.

I had begun to tell tales and spin stories to allow him to paint himself as this straight guy, but in truth this had to be harmful for him. If not just harmful for him, but to me as well. I cared for Kyuhyun. I cared for his happiness, but the more comfortable he got, the less comfortable I seemed to be. It wasn't his fault that people started saying such things about me. Even other people began to ask if I was inclined towards men and my answer was always 'no'. 

The ugly word 'betrayal' was something that kept registering in my mind. I was betraying Kyuhyun, but adamantly denying these false rumors of my sexuality. There were dates that I had tried to get, but people kept assuming I was gay. Was I not as comfortable as I thought I was with the idea of homosexuality? Everything in my mind was a complete mess.

Still, I told myself that the rumors were worth helping out my friend. I would tell him it was my pleasure to help him and it truly was. His face would light up beautifully and I'd be awestruck to see how much of a difference I was truly making in his life. I used to tell myself it would be great if I could see the difference I made and I was being shown it daily by my actions. During the times, it felt like too much, I'd ask myself 'what ifs'.

What if I was the one who was gay? What if Kyuhyun was in my position? Would he crumble under the pressure of trying to live life as he had? Would he continue to support me? Would he have thrown me to the wolves to further his own career as a singer and dashed all my hopes and dreams with no support system? These questions were dangerous and made me doubt the sacrifices that I was making on his behalf. I don't mean that I doubted them enough to stop, but I wondered how strong our friendship truly was or if I was the only one taking it as seriously.

If I got a girlfriend, would Kyuhyun still support my decision? Would he know that he could still trust me and that I'd never betray him or his secrets to anyone? Would all of this be in vain?

The rumors were enough to nearly break me, but even so I was calm as long as I could see Kyuhyun's happy smile.


	4. Knowing His Feelings

I knew the exact moment that he had fallen in love with me. The thought of it scared me more than you could imagine. What he wanted, what he craved was something that I couldn't give to him and yet I knew I would offer the security. I just keep thinking how I'd hate to lose my best friend, but the lengths at which I am going make me wonder why I am so ok with losing myself. This isn't how anything should be, but I still helped him knowing that his thoughts of me weren't as pure as before.

Why?

I kept asking myself why I had insisted on being the one to find and bring Kyuhyun home. The light teasing about a crush I had on him made me flinch as it wasn't like that, for me, at least. I heard him in the bar declaring people as part of his family and pretty much flirting with some guy that thankfully was not a fan. Without saying much of anything, I marched over there and pulled him away, stating that this was stupid of him to do, and I was taking him home.

He fought against me stating that he had every right to stay there and continue to drink. He tried to pull away and ended up pushing me back into a wall. I didn't like to be cornered and I especially did not want to be cornered in a bar where any idiot with a smartphone could take pictures and ruin both our lives. I got him out of there after pushing him away and back to the dorms. It was a struggle, but he was beginning to sober up as I helped him change into clothes that didn't smell like he was bathing in alcohol.

This would only get worse if we both continued to ignore the elephant in the room, and so I asked him why he was avoiding me. As I listened to his confession, my heart felt heavier as though I'd no longer be able to carry it in my chest. When he finished, I took a moment to relax my body before I got up and hugged him. I could not imagine the struggle that it must have been for him to confess that to me. I only could imagine how I was feeling and how scared I was for him because of this.

I kept telling him once more on how it'd be ok, but it wouldn't be ok. I kept pushing further past my comfort limits to help him out. I had become use to the conversations and the banter. It was nothing more than friends talking. I could laugh and joke around with the best of them and be serious when I needed. More was most likely coming and I had to ask myself how far I was willing to go. As we laid down and he was crying against my chest, I knew then just how far.


	5. Allowance

Ever since that night, I had let him sleep beside me. It wasn't too much, but it was still flirting with the border of danger between myself and helping my friend. I could honestly say that Kyuhyun was probably the only friend I'd ever do so much for. If it was anyone else, I don't think I would have bothered as much.

I woke up the moment I felt his thumb rubbing over my lips. This moment was more intimate than anything I've ever done and I've actually had sex before. I kept my eyes only partially open as he continued with the action to watch his expression. He seemed to be at peace and I let him have this moment. My lips parted because it was easier to breathe. I could only imagine that he saw it another way as his eyes seemed to darken with flecks of lust.

I felt like squirming away from such a look. It felt like I was on display for him in a more intimate way than just flat out having sex would be. I don't know how to explain my view on it, but it was how I felt. I was fighting to block more mean images out of my mind. I kept telling myself that this wasn't too much. It was just a simple touch of the lips and then my tongue naturally went to poke at what was rubbing against them.

I saw him look up into my eyes and I hoped they were generating kindness and warmth instead of worry and uncertainty. I opened my mouth to say something further, but then I froze. The look in his eyes almost seemed to be so pleading that instead of words, I let him take it as an unspoken invitation. It was strange feeling his thumb rubbing over my tongue and that same muscle moving with the finger as if trying to figure out why it was there.

I closed my eyes a bit more so that he couldn't see my conflicted expression, and it didn't occur to me until afterwards how positively erotic my face must have looked. His thumb continued to play in mouth a bit before I felt it move and spread my saliva over my lips. Another intimacy that I was allowing myself to be subjected to. I pushed my focus away from my own discomfort again. 

This was a safe space. I wouldn't turn on him or anything because I said I wouldn't. I held on to that vow no matter how much it was tearing me apart from the inside. He wouldn't have anything to fear from me. I meant that. So as he stared at my lips like he wanted to kiss me, I made another decision. I'd give up another piece of myself, to give him another safe space. The moment he looked into my eyes, I gave him the best smile I could manage and told him he could experiment with me.


	6. First Kiss

It had been days since my offer to let him experiment with me, and if I was being honest, I was partially hoping that he wouldn't take me up on it. As much as I wanted to help him, I couldn't help but feel this was crossing some line that shouldn't be crossed. Even though these thoughts floated around in my mind, I knew he would take me up on it. After all, it was only a matter of time before he wanted to try something, anything, to experience what he'd normally be denied. For him, I read books and watched movies. I suppressed flinching at the descriptiveness and spent time out when I could.

I was ready or at least I'd like to think I was for whatever his first experimentation request would be. He came to me one afternoon and I waited as he spilled out the thoughts on his mind. There was shock initially but I couldn't help the pure adoration for his innocence and the slight amusement that made it's way on my face. He was this nervous just asking for a kiss? It was something we had done countless times in fanservice from passing cards, paper, and even the more than likely to end in a kiss pepero game. This cemented my resolve to allow him this experimentation further. Many people would take advantage of the innocence that he was displaying and use it to destroy the beautiful spirit that my best friend possessed.

I explained to him that it was fine. I told him that his first experiences should be good ones and not ones with people who'd just mock him and break him down for his lack of experience. I explained that I'd always want him to be safe and I suppose it could be great for him because he was experiencing this with me: with someone who cared for him and someone that he loved. It was better than experimenting with some stranger on a drunken night full of regrets and pain.

I waited while he processed those thoughts. I hoped that he realized that I wasn't offering him a lifetime together or even an immediate future together, but instead, I was offering him safety. I was offering him a chance to show a future partner his own self worth that they couldn't take advantage of because he'd know if they were trying.

When he spoke again and asked me to kiss him because I had more experience, I looked down a moment before I went to approach him. This was his first true kiss and it should be memorable for him. I could feel his nervousness rolling off of him in waves or was that my own. Would I chicken out at the last couple of seconds? No, I'd just reminded myself that this was like fanservice and imagine waves of screaming fans wanting us to do it. I gently cupped his face, whispered his name, and took his first kiss.


	7. First Exploration

After that kiss, I approached it like I was a teacher giving him lessons. Honestly, he was completely new at the whole thing and when I say completely new I mean it. That first kiss had been fine because I led it and had stopped him from actually doing much more than following my lead. His sudden urge to try and be the lead, well, I'm not sure who that was more traumatic for. Was it me as I flinched accidentally when he touched me? Or him when I explained that eating someone's face didn't literally mean EATING someone's face?

I had taught him different kissing styles and felt like an elder passing on his knowledge. Sure, I was only a little over seven months older than him, but I had opportunities to kiss people I found attractive. No one would even care except maybe for a few obsessive fans that would be upset that they weren't the beauty whose lips were on mine. The kisses continued as I wanted him to understand the differences so no one could hurt him when he entered a relationship later. These kisses were just a moment of my time, but I worried that they meant more to him.

I knew more was coming. I wanted to believe that Kyuhyun would leave things at something this simple. Something that didn't mean anything since we did fanservice. Perhaps I was just praying for fiction so that I didn't have to face the fact that he'd continuously want more from me. He had complained a few times and I told him it was his choice. If I ended this madness, he might think I hated him or worse he might feel alone enough to... No! I wouldn't think about him possibly dying after something cruel that I said. Not again.

I'd just have to bite my tongue and deal with it. When he came that night, I was already not in my right state of mind. I just listened to what he wanted. 

Touching.

He was just standing in the middle of the room trembling. I reminded myself that this was for his safety and peace of mind. I had laid there a few moments longer telling myself once more that I had to do this. If I did, he'd be fine. If I did, then he wouldn't run into some rough asshole that would probably rape him instead of treating him like a person with feelings.

The moment I slid off the bed, I hid myself away once more. I removed his clothing but kept him in his boxers and pushed him on my bed. I did whatever came to mind while avoiding his most intimate areas. During his turn to explore, I let my mind drift to something else while the soft moans from what I was receiving left my lips. With each kiss, lick, and nibble to my skin, I reminded myself that I was doing this for his protection, not my comfort.


	8. First Peak

I didn't allow the exploration nearly as much as I let the kisses happen. The exploration still happened often enough under the guise of skinship especially on stage and other programs. In fact, I'm almost 1000% sure that E.L.F.s thought we were actually dating at some point. It wasn't hard to tell how the exploration had been affecting his mind nor how the kisses seemed keep him spiraling between reality and fantasy, but at least he kept going to the bathroom to deal with his arising issues.

I was half asleep during his next need to experiment. Without any words, he had come into my room and climbed up onto my bed. I watched him through half-slit eyes as he just stared, obviously wanting something, but not having the nerves to follow through. I resigned myself to the inevitable telling him 'just try it'. Cool air hit my private area and a semi-shocked moan left my lips when he started stroking me. I could feel myself becoming erect from his touch while wondering why I was letting this happen.

My mind was screaming in two different directions. The first direction was that I was a man and blow jobs felt amazing. The second direction was that I wanted this to stop. I couldn't speak. Instead, I tried to communicate my inner battle between rubbing his head as if saying continue and pulling his hair because I wanted to remove his mouth from me. In the end, the stimulation proved to be too much and I found myself climaxing down his throat.

Returning the favor was again something that had to be done. It was something he had to commit to memory. Whichever guy he was with wouldn't be able to convince him that relationships weren't give and take based on the position. I moved him so his feet were on the floor and he was exposed to me. Swallowing down the feeling of bile in my throat at what I was about to do, I hoped that forgiveness would be given if it was ever found out. He was protesting weakly, but if I pulled away, well, my fears were the same as they'd always been.

I looked up at him and gave him the sweetest smile that I could manage. It seemed to be my luck that he was engrossed in my smile to the point that he didn't hear the shakiness of my voice or see the tremors in my body. His moaning was at least an indication that what I had read in both books and fanfiction seemed to be correct. All the tips and tricks I had memorized worked and when I felt him ready to climax, I looked up at him out of breath, eyes thankful that it was almost over, lips around his length as he came down my throat. I moved back licking my lips to try and remove the taste from them without water while still looking at him.


	9. First on Top

I will never forget that day. It was the day that I felt I had lost the true essence of my being, the true essence of Kim Ryeowook. I had been planning a very special day, when he asked. My entire body became like a glacier. There were two options that I had to consider. The first option was to help Kyuhyun and the second was to explain that there was somewhere I needed to be. Before I knew it, I made a call and stated, that due to work, I was unable to keep our prior engagement.

I turned around in the next instant with a blank expression. I don't think he notice how emotionless my voice sounded as I told him we were leaving. In my room, I cringed at my attitude and prayed that Kyuhyun hadn't noticed. I just needed a few things and to calm my mind. Autopilot was the name of the game as I cancelled my reservations and set up new ones. The dinner was calm, but I could feel my best friend's nervousness suffocating me.

I wonder if he noticed how far we had driven to the hotel, or if he'd noticed the silence. It should have been enough time to relax, but it wasn't. In the hotel room, I watched with a slightly lighter heart as he took in the beauty of it. Everything was set up and done just the way I planned but not for this. Kyuhyun was happy leading me to yet again realize I was being selfish.

How was I supposed to do this? I knew he'd notice if I wasn't into everything. I usually wasn't during experimentation times for him. I placed what we needed on the side table and then stared at the last piece. I was going to do something ridiculously stupid, I know, but it was all for Kyuhyun. The taste in my mouth was awful, but I started calming instantly. I was finally lost and all to be what he needed.

I sat down and called his name. I hoped my smile looked sweet, but I could no longer process it. I told him to kiss me. The moment I finished, I could feel him doing everything he's experimented with, remembering every piece of my body that he's explored. It was strange to hear the sounds that were coming out of my mouth, but it just spurred him on further. When he stopped, I handed him what was needed. I instructed him on how to prepare me even with blinking back my tears and the still rational working part of my mind continuously praying for a severe case of cold feet that would never happen.

Euphoria had finally taken over and my mind slipped away only to focus pleasure rather than chaos. My moans were probably louder than his as our bodies climbed that mountain and I reached a peak of dual highs only to fall gently down into the realm of dreams.


	10. First on Bottom

The morning after had been a head rush. I had woken up before Kyuhyun and just watched the peaceful sleep that he had managed to fall into. I couldn't feel the pain that should have accompanied last night, but it was obvious in part due to my stupid decision. My eyes slid over to the nightstand and landed on my mistake. It was what drove me from his tender embrace and into the bathroom locking the door. 

While there, alone with my mistake, I looked up and met a reflection in the mirror. It was supposed to be me, wasn't it? Pressing a towel into my mouth, I screamed into it, allowing the tears from last night to flow freely, and I was telling myself that this had to stop. Immediately, other thoughts filtered their way through the weakened defenses of my mind. They were screaming at me and calling me a traitor, selfish, reminding me that I could still have a normal life, that Kyuhyun almost died never experiencing any of these intimacies, and he needed this. I was just being a stupid, drama queen.

What about Kyuhyun? What about the fact that you should protect him because he's younger? 

What about me?

I banished that last thought from my mind and kept the remnants of my mistake on my person. The rest of the day was just fine. It was like we were only friends. It was like I hadn't let him take me. Maybe, I could relax and forget what happened. It was just one time.

When he kissed me, I realized how wrong that was, yet I kissed back. His question was like the breaking of a dam in my mind as I pushed him back, kissing him until he was breathless. I wanted to hurt him, to mark, to make him feel some of the chaos that went through my mind daily, as I did everything I could to keep him safe. I'm pretty sure that make-up artists would hate all the marks but I didn't care as I had stripped him naked in front of me. I just left him there on the floor while I went to go get what I needed.

He wouldn't know and I wouldn't have to feel guilty. This was just another lesson right? Another lesson that came from the fractured diamond of my psyche. I came back moments later and my preparation of him wasn't anywhere near as thorough and yet none of it penetrated the last of this shard until I saw him cry. I looked over his body and only barely stopped myself from shaking. 

No.

Kyuhyun. No. I'm sorry. 

Please think of this as special. I never meant to ruin your first time.

Those words never left my mind as I simply kissed all of his tears away, whispering soft apologies and sweet nothings before pushing him towards a cliff as he fell over the edge to nirvana and I fell further into the abyss.


	11. Shadow Fragment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mildly heavy subject matter.

Every moment after that weekend seemed to happen in slow motion. I couldn't eat. I could barely sleep and I am surprised I still managed to sing as well as I did sometimes. I started to isolate myself from the others and blamed it on stress, illness, or fatigue. There were times that I wished I had run away or screamed and called him a disgusting abomination, but I couldn't do it. Sometimes I stared at him, knowing that he could see my eyes, and wondering if he could see the war that rested within them. 

In that weekend, I had learned so much about myself. There was no strength and no pride in my being. More than anything, I realized that I had no moral wall to stop me from turning myself into Kyuhyun's experimental doll for his protection. I've even broken promises to myself as I can't even remember the times that I've turned back to the tiny white, minuscule reminders of my mistake. 

No one noticed.

I used to be excited for our shows, concerts, and the Super Show performances because that meant I could have fun doing what I love with the friends I've made along the way. I would try to pretend everything was fine, but I don't even know why I had to go so far for that. My blank eyes and sometimes increased makeup didn't tip anyone off to the fact that maybe something was wrong. He was becoming more possessive of me and sometimes it felt as though the other members were uncomfortable with our increased skinship.

I never said anything because I was protecting his feelings. This storm had to pass eventually, right? My thoughts were centered on the temporary bliss of a little intoxication by any means necessary, even though the destructive hurricane would resume when I came down from it. I felt tired and lost. My mind was a mix of the swirling colors from my latest assist and the foggy darkness of my open prison.

Was I really this invisible?

A shell. It was all I felt anyone was able to see when it came to me. An empty shell that could be filled with their preconceived notions of what and whom I was. Hurtful comments continued to be thrown at me, and I just took them. Kyuhyun would tell me not to worry and I'd flash him the ghost of a smile before slamming shut the barrier between my room and everything else. Floods of tears were shed as I would slide between the warmth of my covers cursing different aspects of my existence.

I was the one 'pursuing' him and hopelessly in love according to those who knew nothing. My tears fell harder as I recalled their hateful words while spitefully thinking 'if only you knew'. My arms were littered with the crescent moons of my fingernails as I held myself and the words continued stabbing me with their sharpened blades.

Lightheaded. 

Dizzy. 

Pain.

Blood.

Darkness.


	12. Broken Promise

Dead silence. The suffocating pressure of what I had told him that day could only be described in such terms. My mind was silently screaming at me in the most condescending voice I've ever heard. Snarky commentary continued to plague me as if it wanted to force me to remembering how exceptionally terrible of a human being I was being.

I tried to give him an explanation. I had been dating her for a while and yet I could not bring myself to admit that I had canceled my engagement plans so that I could give him a beautiful first time. Words got trapped in my throat so I couldn't explain that the gorgeously decorated room had actually been to hopefully celebrate my engagement, but instead, it was where I gave him more, even more than I had ever given her.

I deserved this.

It was the only thought within my mind as he yelled at me, pinned me, and kissed me roughly as though I would suddenly change my mind. Kyuhyun deserved happiness, not me. Not the person that many people saw as one of the ugliest in the group. Not the person that hadn't faced a life and death situation. He was better than me and everyone loved him, not the 'girly-boy' who was breaking up several of their ships. 

Tears were refusing to fall when he pulled back from that kiss, while I gave him the shakiest smile I could manage. I wanted to apologize for not being attracted to him in that way, but I had never hidden that I wasn't. I was responsible for doing the one thing that I tried to avoid so I let him attack me. His questions and degrading statements just stabbed me wherever they could reach.

I deserved it. I shouldn't have proposed. I shouldn't have wanted to be happy. Look how angry he was with me now. I was trying to protect him and yet I was the one destroying him. Part of me knows that these thoughts are irrational. My life was important as well, but listening as my best friend continued to express his pain by calling me everything from an asshole to ugly was nearly impossible to take. 

After everything that I've done to protect him, I should've done more. Maybe I should've hypnotized myself or convinced myself that I was the same so that he'd be happy. Actually, I probably could've just kept my mouth shut. Apparently, I only know how to be selfish. I should have been able to handle the taunting, the questioning of my sexuality, the jeers, threats from fans and antis alike for what they seemed to see.

He struck me and I knew it would bruise, but I never fought him back. I never raised my hand or made him stop. When he left, I laid there curled up in a fetal position, crying, and wondering if he could ever forgive me. I wondered if I could ever forgive myself.


	13. Acceptance

Have you ever heard of those people who make themselves throw up as a punishment? I wonder if maybe I should have used that method instead. How do you explain to the people around you that the reason for your despair is due to your own self-hatred? The simple answer is that you don't. I'm listening to the plans for my wedding, the day that should be the happiest day of my life, and yet I keep thinking about my fight with Kyuhyun. Everything he said to me was true. Why? Why couldn't I do it? Can someone please explain that to me? Everyone keeps saying I need to love myself, that it's okay, but they don't even know what's wrong.

They don't know about the substance abuse, the cutting, and they believe the bruises that I had gotten are because I ran into a counter. I know it sounds like I'm covering for him but I'm not. He had every right to react that way. The entire time I would sit alone, cry, and apologize because I could not be like him and give him what he needed. 

The red streaks from the scratches were easily covered up by sweaters, but what was my excuse on warmer days? Was it even worth the effort to hide how much harm I inflicted onto myself? Imagine looking in the mirror and being afraid of your own reflection, not the you everyone sees, but the you that only you can see in the mirror. The dark, twisted, grotesque mockery of your once beautiful spirit, laughing at you with cruel eyes and an even crueler grin. How much more could I isolate myself from everything and everyone? 

Kyuhyun deserved better.  
My future wife deserved better as well.  
Hmph, I thought of him first. Should I really be surprised that his happiness once more seemed to triumph over my own?

When he came to see me, I was shocked. I was already feeling as though I was being pushed into mouth of a fiery volcano and everyone was laughing as they watch me fall and burn. With each of his spoken words, the protests arose within my mind. I wanted to tell him that he didn't have to apologize, that he never had to apologize to me for keeping him safe. However, in that moment I was like a glacier, a frozen wall cracking under pressure and unable to voice what I really wanted to say.

I should have been wary when he offered to be my best man, but I'll be honest I was just happy to have my best friend back. I'm not stupid though. I know that he'll ask me for things that I'm not sure that I can give him. I also know that even if I can't, I would try. This friendship is toxic, but I'm not willing to change it. I told myself that I should just be happy, he was finally willing to accept me as well.


	14. Fact and Fiction

I should love myself, right? I wish I could formulate the words to convince you that I felt the way that you wished. Instead, all I can see is myself as a puzzle, and pieces keep falling, getting damaged, and going missing. I told you before that it wasn't intelligence that I lacked, but instead the inability to refuse him almost anything. I stand here waiting for my bride and yet only half an hour prior, I was laying on a couch, tears slipping down my eyes, a hint of substances in my system, hidden, yet healed cuts on the inside of my thighs, and kiss swollen lips.

The truth is that the truth is inconvenient and pointless. The facts blur almost too easily into the fictional world that I let him create. I knew within the deep confines of my mind that he could never just let me go, but I held on to the belief that perhaps his anger would push him to that decision. There was no sunlight, no music, and no visible escape route now or in the future.

I love her and I care about him. The only thing I can do is to place myself in the position to allow them both to be loved. No longer do I wonder what if, because there is never a way to tell if it would have been different or worse. Would I have been able to live with myself if I had shunned him during his confession only for him to die? Would I have been able to sing as beautifully or would my voice have been destroyed by the vices I would have used to try and absolve myself of the guilt?

The facts were simple and indisputable or were the facts simply fiction that I had deluded myself into thinking was real?

Did I love her or was she safe? Do I hate what he does to me or do I like it?

No. If it was that simple, I'd have answers and a reason to find the true Ryeowook once more. 

The fact is that even as I stand here, in front of my family and friends, I am very aware of his presence behind me. I'm very aware that if he were to ask for a moment, I would put my wedding on hold. The fact is that I realized in wanting to protect him, in wanting to ensure that he didn't lose his mind or worse, I had by accident enslaved myself to his whims, his curiosities, and his distorted view of love and relationships. 

The fiction is that I could break free, that I could run away, that I had more worth than I knew. The belief that my place was something... somewhere else was simply the purity of an innocent refusing to accept the twisted reality of the world. 

The fiction is that someday I'll achieve happiness again. The fact is that the Ryeowook I was.. no longer exists.


End file.
